CANYON RANCH SPA...LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT....

WE ARE ITALIANS....
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN????
WE ANTICIPATE WAY AHEAD OF TIME THAT WE WILL NOT BE FED LIKE WE ARE
USED TO....
SO WE MADE A QUICK PIT STOP AT MC DONALDS BEFORE REACHING THE SPA...

WE ALSO PREPARE OURSELVES FOR A MIDNIGHT SNACK OR TWO....
DIP WAS IN THE FRIDGE.....
BUT NOTHING COULD HAVE PREPARED US
FOR THE CANYON RANCH....
THERE WEREN'T EVEN ANY HORSES!!!

 IN OUR CASE.....
INSTEAD OF LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT 
IT WAS MORE.....
LEAVE IT.....OR LEAVE IT....
DAUGHTER INHERITED THE ADIVARI
"IF SOMETHING CAN GO WRONG...SOMETHING WILL GO WRONG GENE"
SHE HAS ALWAYS WANTED TO GO TO 
THE CANYON RANCH SPA....SO WHEN IT CAME BIRTHDAY GIFT TIME
THE SON-IN-LAW GAVE HER A TRIP TO THIS FAMOUS SPA...

IT SNOWED VERY HEAVY THE DAY SHE WAS SUPPOSE TO GO SO IT HAD TO BE
POSTPONED FOR A LATER DATE....
I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT THE COST OF THIS JOINT BECAUSE SHE
TREATED ME...THINKING IT WOULD BE MORE FUN DRAGGING MOM ALONG...
WHICH IS A VALID REASON..YOU ALL KNOW MY LUCK AND IT SEEMS IT FOLLOWED ME ALL THE WAY TO THE BERKSHIRES....
FIRST YOU DRIVE OUT TO THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE....OKAY THAT'S FINE...
WHEN WE PULL IN TO THE DRIVEWAY WE NOTICED AN AWFUL LOT OF 
CONSTRUCTION BEING DONE....
CONSTRUCTION VEHICLES AND LOT'S OF WIRE FENCES...
THIS WAS PARTIALLY OKAY SINCE MOST OF OUR ACTIVITIES WERE INSIDE....
REMINISCENT OF OUR TIME IN PARIS WHEN WE WEREN'T TOLD 
THE APARTMENT ABOVE US WAS BEING REHABBED 
AND WE WOKE UP EVERY MORNING AT 7:00
TO THE SOUND OF JACK HAMMERS....

I HAD REQUESTED A ROOM AS CLOSE TO THE ACTION
(POOL...SPA....RESTAURANTS) AS POSSIBLE....
MAP OF THE GROUNDS TO FOLLOW BECAUSE YOU KNOW I HAVE TO HAVE ONE
PICTURE IN THE WRONG ORDER....

IF WE WERE ANY FURTHER AWAY WE WOULD HAVE BEEN IN
VERMONT.....
WE GET IN AROUND 3:00 IN THE AFTERNOON....WE CHECK IN WITH A MAN SITTING BEHIND AN OFFICE LOOKING SET UP......HE COULD BE SELLING
PEOPLE "LIFE INSURANCE" OVER THE PHONE FOR ALL WE KNEW...
WE GET OUR BAG/THERMOS/POLYESTER TEE SHIRTS AND A COMPLEMENTARY
"GUIDE BOOK"
A MAP OF THE PROPERTY AND A PEN...

THIS IS THE LIBRARY ROOM INSIDE THE MANSION..... AS THEY REFER TO IT AS....
BEAUTIFUL RIGHT....

VERY DOWNTON ABBEY LOOKING....
MIND YOU THIS IS ONLY ONE ROOM IN THE ENTIRE COMPLEX THAT LOOKS LIKE THIS....

WE WANTED TO WALK INSIDE AND SOAK UP THE AMBIENCE.....
PROBLEM IS NOBODY TALKS AT THIS PLACE....
YOU DON'T DARE SPEAK IN A NORMAL TONE OF VOICE....
EVERYONE FROM THE STAFF TO THE OTHER SPA GOERS....
JUST GAVE US THE SKUNK EYE....
AND BELIEVE ME I HAD NOT DONE ANYTHING YET ......
BUT MY REPUTATION FOLLOWS ME WHERE EVER  I GO....

LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL CEILING......SO EXCITING....DAUGHTER WAS EXCITED
I WAS JUST HAPPY TO BE OUT OF MY HOUSE AND SPENDING TIME WITH H......

NOW REMEMBER THIS PLACE IS ALL INCLUSIVE YOU PAY FOR NOTHING
"ALMOST" AND IT COSTS THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS....
THEY GAVE US EACH $320.00 CREDIT TOWARDS SERVICES LIKE A PEDICURE
OR A MASSAGE....
DAUGHTER HAD THE MASSAGE AND WE BOTH OPTED FOR A SESSION WITH THE
CLAIROYANT...WE QUICKLY REALIZED THIS $320 CREDIT WOULD ONLY GET US SO FAR....

NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT THE ROOMS......
AND I WILL GET BACK TO THE CLAIRVOYANT AFTER WE DISCUSS THE FOOD...
CAN YOU SAY "HAMPTON INN"
I LOVE THE HAMPTON INN BUT AT $139. A NIGHT NOT IN THE '
THOUSANDS.....

THE BATHROOM WASN'T EVEN AS NICE AS THE HAMPTON INN.....
I TOOK MY ONE AND ONLY SHOWER AND I FELT LIKE I WAS BEING HOSED DOWN
BY FIREMAN TRYING TO PUT OUT A BLAZE....
I SWEAR WE BOTH HAD BRUISES FROM THE FORCE OF THE WATER....
THE CABINET IN THE BATHROOM WAS ALL CHIPPED AND SHODDY LOOKING....
THE BEST WAS WHEN I WAS TAKING THAT ONE SHOWER I FOUND MYSELF
STANDING IN AT LEAST A FOOT OF WATER....I TOOK A VIDEO OF IT BECAUSE I HAD NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT... I WAS DRIED AND DRESSED AND IT WAS STILL
DRAINING.....
THE TOILET WAS SO LOW TO THE GROUND IT LOOKED LIKE THEY WERE
EXPECTING MATT AND AMY ROLOFF TO CHECK IN AT ANY TIME....
NOTHING AGAINST THE ROLOFF'S I HAPPEN TO LOVE THEM....

WE HAVE NO IDEA WHEN THEY CAME TO REFRESH THE ROOM,......
WE NEVER SAW ANY CLEANING PEOPLE LIKE YOU ALWAYS SEE IN HOTEL
HALLWAYS.......
THE BEDS FINALLY GOT MADE WHEN WE GOT BACK FROM DINNER....
SO LET'S DISCUSS FOOD....

THIS WAS THE LITTLE DRINK STATION LOCATED IN A FEW SPOTS AROUND THE COMPLEX.....
THIS IS A NO ACHOHOL FACILITY WHICH WAS FINE WITH ME BECAUSE I DON'T
AND HAVE NEVER HAD A DRINK...
AFTER ABOUT THREE HOURS I WAS HAVING PEPSI WITHDRAWAL.....

THEY HAD A RELAXATION ROOM WHERE I SUPPOSE PEOPLE WENT TO MEDITATE
OR WHATEVER THEY DO.... AGAIN NO SPEAKING....
THERE WAS A 5,000 PIECE PUZZLE THAT SOME ONE DONATED...
SUCH FUN!

AT NIGHT THEY HAD ALL FORMS OF ENTERTAINMENT.....
NIGHT ONE WAS A PIANIST AND A MEL TORME-'EQUE SINGER.....
NEXT NIGHT WAS A VIOLINIST .....THREE PEOPLE WERE SITTING LISTENING ....I THINK BINGO WAS ON THE SCHEDULE LATER IN THE WEEK....
YOU CAN SEE WHERE THIS IS HEADING....

HERE'S MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER ......BUT I KNOW THAT LOOK....
AFTER 43 YEARS I REALLY KNOW THAT LOOK....SHE IS THINKING....
"WHAT IN THE HELL WAS I THINKING AND CAN I GO HOME NOW"

MAY I PRESENT THE FOOD....
SURELY AFTER THE DISAPPOINTMENT OF OUR SLEEPING ACCOMMODATIONS

THE HEALTHY FOOD THEY WERE ABOUT TO SERVE US HAS TO BE OUTSTANDING...
WRONG.......

DAUGHTER ORDERED THE SCALLOPS AS HER APPETIZER.....
UNCOOKED...BUT THAT WAS NOT THE ISSUE....
ALTHOUGH I WOULDN'T EAT RAW FISH ON A BET....
 IT'S PROBLEM WAS THAT IS SMELLED SO BAD THAT THE SMELL MADE IT'S WAY ALL THE WAY BACK TO MANHATTAN....

IN MY ENTIRE LIFE I HAVE NEVER HAD TO SPIT OUT FOOD BECUASE IT WAS TOO BAD TO SWALLOW....SEE THAT BROCCOLI.....I EAT THAT AT HOME VERY OFTEN....
THIS TASTED LIKE THEY HAD JUST PULLED IT OUT OF THE GROUND....BLANCHED IT FOR 30 SECONDS AND CALLED IT HEALTHY....
NO SALT ON THE TABLE....YOU HAD TO REQUEST IT...I KNOW THIS IS A BIG DEAL TO SOME... BUT I LIKE MY FOOD SALTED TO ENHANCE THE FLAVOR....
AFTER ALL THAT IS WHAT HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE MEDS ARE FOR....

DON'T EVEN ASK......

DAUGHTERS CHICKEN ROULADE ......YES THAT IS CHICKEN....WE THINK.

DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS WAS....
DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW...
THEN CAME DESSERT..

FLOURLESS CHOCOLATE CAKE WITH PEANUTS..
HOW YOU CAN SCREW UP A CHOCOLATE DESSERT IS BEYOND ME..
IT WAS HORRIBLE...
THE SOFT SERVE ICE CREAM MADE ME FEEL LIKE I WAS EITHER AT 
"CARVEL" OR BETTER YET "COSTCO"...
I WOULD HAVE KILLED FOR A COSTCO HOT DOG...

THIS WAS SOME SORT OF PEANUT BUTTER THING....
BY  THIS POINT WE REALIZED THINGS WERE FASTLY GOING DOWN HILL......
I HAVE BEEN COOKING FOR OVER 50 YEARS AND I CAN SAY WITHOUT A DOUBT THAT YOU CAN ACTUALLY MAKE GOOD TASTING FOOD AND STILL HAVE IT
BE HEALTHY....THERE IS ZERO EXCUSES FOR SERVING BAD FOOD.....

WALKING BACK TO OUR ROOM WE LEFT A TRAIL OF CRUMBS IN CASE  SOMEONE
NEEDED TO FIND US IN CASE WE PASSED OUT FROM LACK OF FOOD....
THIS WAS SOME OF THE ART ON THE CORRIDOR WALLS...
EVERYTHING WAS FOR SALE....
I'M PROBABLY EXAGGERATING HERE BUT THE WALK FROM OUR ROOM
TO THE DINING ROOM SEEMED LIKE THE SIZE OF A FOOTBALL FIELD
 DONE IN A BOX DESIGN WITH A HUGE FOUNTAIN
AREA IN THE CENTER BUT OF COURSE NO WATER IN IT AND
IT LOOKED LIKE IT HAD NOT BEEN PAINTED OR REPAIRED IN YEARS...

WE ARE NOT TWO PEOPLE WHO GIVE UP EASILY...
WE TRIED LUNCH IN THE "GRILL"

THIS IS THEIR VERSION OF A HEALTHY FRENCH DIP....
THE ROLL WAS GLUTON FREE...
 SEE THAT BLOB OF CHEESE
UNDER IT WAS A MOUND WAS ONIONS....AND ONIONS AND MORE  ONIONS...
ONE PIECE OF SOME SORT OF DRIED BEEF....
I DIDN'T TAKE MORE THEN ONE BITE....
 THIS MUST BE THE WAY THEY TELL YOU HOW TO DIET....
FOOD SO BAD YOU DON'T EAT...HENCE YOU LOSE WEIGHT....
UNTIL THIS GEM CAME ALONG....

THE MINUTE WE SAW THIS WE BOTH SAID AT THE SAME TIME.....
JENNY CRAIG.....
ALL THE FOOD THE NIGHT BEFORE WAS BROUGHT OUT WARMISH....
CERTAINLY NOT HOT....
I EXPECTED AT  ANY MOMENT TO SEE MARIE OSMOND COME OUT OF THE SHADOWS AND SAY
"I LOST 50 POUNDS IN ONE WEEK WHILE VISITING THE
CANYON RANCH SPA....
WE COULD HAVE STAYED HOME AND ATE A WEEKS WORTH OF LEAN CUISINE
AND HAD MORE FUN...

I SHOULD HAVE CAUGHT ON WHEN I CALLED TO SIGN UP FOR THE CLAIRVOYANT...
I WAS TOLD SHE WASN'T AVAILABLE BUT WE COULD GET TAROT CARDS READ...
THEN IT WAS "WELL WE CAN SEE IF THE CLAIRVOYANT CAN COME IN FOR THE TWO OF YOU"....AT $210.00 AN HOUR TIMES TWO.....OR $420.00 OF COURSE
THE CLAIRVOYANT AGREED TO SHOW UP....
WE WANTED TO DO IT TOGETHER...BOTH IN THE ROOM AT THE SAME TIME...
BUT SHE ADVISED AGANST THAT...
SHE SAID BECAUSE IT WAS OUR FIRST TIME....I GUESS SHE DID'T WANT TO GET
MIXED SIGNALS....

FIRST HALF I HAD TO SIT WITH MY EYES CLOSED WHILE SHE "SAW" THINGS...
SHE ASKED IF I HAD QUESTIONS.... I SAID NO....
NO ONE TOLD US AHEAD OF TIME THAT YOU WOULD NEED QUESTIONS TO ASK THIS PERSON...SHE MADE IT CLEAR THAT SHE WAS NOT A PSYCHIC......
SHE SAW BUTTERFLIES CIRCLING MY HEAD....
TOLD ME I AM VERY CREATIVE....SAID I DO EVERYTHING FOR MY HUSBAND...
WELL THAT CERTAINLY WAS TRUE....SHE COULD HAVE READ MY BLOG POSTS TO
KNOW THIS.....
WHEN I TOLD HER THAT I CAN...IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT....KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TIME IT IS BEFORE LOOKING AT THE CLOCK....SHE TOLD ME I HAD
THE "GIFT".....
SHE TOLD BOTH MYSELF AND DAUGHTER THAT SHE PROBABLY TOLD US EVERYTHING WE ALREADY KNEW ABOUT OURSELVES....
YUP....AND YUP.........

SO TO SUMMARIZE THIS PLACE......
FOR WHAT THEY CHARGE THEY SHOULD ADVISE YOU THAT CONSTRUCTION WILL BE GOING ON DURING YOUR STAY....
DURING DAUGHTER'S MASSAGE SHE KEPT HEARING DRILLING GOING ON...
JUST WHAT A RELAXING MASSAGE SHOULD BE....LIKE YOUR AT THE DENTIST...
UNFRIENDLY PEOPLE BOTH THE EMPLOYEES AND THE OTHER VISITORS....
WHEN DAUGHTER WAS GETTING HER READING WITH THE CLAIRVOYANT I HAD AN HOUR TO WASTE SO DOWN THE HALL WAS A LECTURE GOING ON....
OKAY... I THOUGHT I CAN SIT FOR AN HOUR AND LISTEN....
IT WAS ABOUT SELF HAPPINESS.....I THINK....THE WOMEN JUST KEPT BRINGING
UP THE FACT THAT SHE WAS A RECOVERED ALCOHOLIC.......
TWO LITTLE OLD LADIES GOT UP AFTER THE SPEAKER MENTIONED IT A LITLE TOO OFTEN AND THEY LEFT.....I STAYED JUST FOR SOMEPLACE TO SIT......

WE WERE SUPPOSE TO STAY SUNDAY AND MONDAY NIGHT.....
WE WERE WALKING OVER TO HAVE LUNCH ON MONDAY WHEN DAUGHTER SAW A MAN...PROBABLY IN HIS LATE 80'S IN A SCOOTER WITH AN OXYGEN TANK...
KNOWING WHEN WE CHECKED IN ON SUNDAY THAT I COULDN'T WALK TOO FAR I WAS OFFERED UP THE SCOOTER FOR A MERE $169.00 OR DAUGHTER COULD PUSH ME IN A COMPLIMENTARY WHEELCHAIR.....
BIG NO.....NOT HAPPENING...

WE DECIDED THE ISSUE WITH THIS PLACE WAS
#1....IT SEEMED LIKE AN OLD AGE HOME....BETTER YET
#2....IT WAS MORE LIKE A REHAB FACILITY...

ONE MORE PIECE OF GUEST ADVISE......
WHO EVER THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO PLACE A LADIES BATHROOM
DIRECTLY NEXT TO THE CAFE
AND POSITION THE MENU BOARD RIGHT NEXT TO 
THE BATHROOM DOOR....
YOU NEED TO RE-THINK THAT
'IF YOU CATCH WHAT I'M SAYING....

DID WE LEAVE EARLY.....YES WE DID....
DAUGHTERS MUCH AWAITED FANCY SPA VISIT FELT LIKE WE WERE AT THE
BETTY FORD CLINIC.....
WE LEFT IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT.....DAUGHTER SAW THE SAME GUY WE SAW WHEN WE CHECKED IN AND HIS RESPONSE WAS
"I SEE YOUR LEAVING A DAY EARLY".....
NEVER ASKED WHY....
I FOUND THAT ODD...

HERE IS A MAP OF THE PROPERTY.....SEE THAT LITTLE X WHERE IT SAYS
"GUEST ROOMS WEST WING"
THEN FOLLOW THOSE LITTLE ARROWS DOWN THEIR PATHWAY TO
THE SPA AND THE TWO PLACES TO EAT....
YES THAT IS CORRECT.....
I ASKED FOR A ROOM CLOSE TO THOSE TWO THINGS....
AND OF COURSE DEAF EARS TO THAT RQUEST....
THE GUEST ROOMS EAST WING WERE CLOSED....

SO IN A NUTSHELL.....
GO ON A EXPECTED FUN ROAD TRIP WITH SOMEONE YOU KNOW WILL BE FUN...
DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING AT ALL LIKE YOU ASSUME IT IS...AND....
 BEFORE GETTING THERE STOP FOR SOME PROVISIONS TO HAVE IN THE ROOM........
JUST IN CASE!